The Indiscreet Charm of the Privately Schooled

12/17/08: Private School is available online. Somebody up at Hulu likes me! (Lord knows I heart them.) But now they've done themselves one better -- they put Private School up online! So you have no excuse -- you can now watch in its entirety Phoebe Cates, Matthew Modine, Betsy Russell, et al. in free, high-quality, streaming video with scarcely any interruption. Since this film puts the sex back in 80s teen sex comedy, you do need to register with Hulu to show you're over 18, but come on, you should be registered with Hulu anyway, since it's ridiculously awesome.

So school starting again has been rough on me, and I've often sought solace the only way it seems I know how -- with media meant for teens. I know, I know, it gets creepier with every year I get older (don't remind me) but it's totally not my fault. A friend pointed out to me that the equivalent of the Village Voice but for Baltimore devoted its entire book issue to YA, at least partly with the rationale that now more than ever, teen media has near-total hegemony. Our teen angst bullshit indeed has a body count, but one measured in ratings, not Heathers.

Anyway, this is a long way of saying that the other week I rewatched the movie Private School, which I had seen once on USA's "No School Movie Days" when I was like fourteen. This movie must have been about 15 minutes long edited for TV, because it's basically all gratuitous nudity (and an aerobics scene choreographed by Paula Abdul). It's definitely so bad it's good. Though watching the actual movie version, you lose most of the amazing "Private School" theme song in favor of one that drops the f-bomb.

That combined with much of the other media I relate to got me thinking: What is it about private school? As someone who went to private middle and high schools, there's not a lot of mystique for me. I mean yes, I do wrinkle my nose at public schools, but that's just because I'm a snobby East Coaster. Nonetheless, I don't genuinely think there's enough interesting about private school to merit such fascination. And yet it seems like as time goes by, it only intensifies. If you look at the books, movies, and TV shows about teens, more and more are donning uniforms (or at least headbands) and heading off to boarding school, day school, and the like. In fact, it's almost impossible to avoid.

So since you can't escape, I've made a handy little chart to help you out. Just pick how you'd like your teen day schoolers, then follow the arrows. And click on the pictures! I actually taught myself how to make an image map, because, you know, I totally have the time to take on such projects. (Can you tell when I'm typing in a sarcastic voice?) Anyway, here we go:

P.S.: These old book covers are too good not to share -- I mean, let's face it, you can't get a very good look at Quinn's double-Swatch action on the 70-pixel-high version. So click on these links to see the covers of Palm Beach Prep, Pen Pals, and The Girls of Canby Hall (in their original style and the all-growed-up version).