90210 vs. 90-New-10

1/27/09: I've given up on 90-New-10. Yes, it was inevitable. But when they took a six-week hiatus and it took me more than a week to realize it was back, this led to the subsequent realization that I didn't care. Will Annie and what's-his-butt stay together? Don't care. Will her dad and Naomi's mom's long-lost kid turn out to be an evil imposter? Don't care. Will Naomi ever dress in a top that doesn't look like a corset? Don't care. If they could somehow just make it all about Brenda, Kelly, et al. I'd watch again... but if that's really what I want, I'm pretty sure I can just watch 9021-Old in syndication.

Okay, so we all know what happened last night, right? Sure, sure, republican national convention blabla--come on, people! Series premiere of the new 90210, or as I am now calling it, 90-New-10. Two hours. Brenda, Kelly, and ... Nat. Come on, you knew Nat would be in it, even if he wasn't in the pilot for the original 90210 (then again, neither was Dylan). But the question remains: How do the two stack up? Leading us to the second question: How much time will I waste answering it? Spoiler alert y'all -- let's get to it. P.S. Click on any pic to see full size.

The Opening: Yes, the original pilot was before they had the round logo. What they did have, however, was stock footage of opulent Beverly Hills (e.g., a blonde in a cocktail dress carrying a surfboard). The new opening is much the same, but with many more bells and whistles, by which I mean amped-up colors and cheesy lens flare. Advantage: Neither I prefer the opening they use in later seasons of the original series, with the slightly rock-ified music and the characters dancing in front of a white backdrop. Sorry, a cop-out, I know.

The School: So from the outside, it actually is the same school! I was totally surprised to realize this. It is Torrance High School which is also the high school in Less Than Zero. Hell yeah! So the main difference you see here is the lighting... the entire 9021-Old pilot looks like it was filmed right before a tornado or something, I don't know what's going on. Advantage: Tie Sorry y'all, it's the same school.

The Newbies: On the left, Brandon and Brenda Walsh, the Minnesota transplants who anchor the original 90210; on the right, Dixon and Annie Wilson, the Kansans who as you can see by Annie's expression are still disgusted by the idea of vehicular sex (come, on "jeepin'"? Clueless, anyone? Anyway. It's only been the pilot, but I had to look up Dixon's name because I couldn't remember what it was. Annie is sort of over-animated -- for someone who just moved to Beverly Hills from Wichita, she acts like Lindsay Lohan toward the end of Mean Girls when she should be acting like Lindsay Lohan's character at the beginning of Mean Girls. Even though Brandon often goes all Elizabeth Wakefield-preachy, I have to give this one to the Walshes. Advantage: 9021-Old

The Obnoxious Blonde Guy:For some reason, both shows have an annoying, entitled blonde guy who heckles the other characters and generally acts like a smarmy jerk. I did remember the name of the character on the right, George, because I was immediately like, "Ew, why'd they add a new Steve Sanders?" That said, he seems like he won't be much of a presence, which is why I say Advantage: 90-New-10

The Nasty Popular Girl: I honestly hadn't realized how much the two pilots had in common till I actually sat down to do this. But yes, Brenda/Annie goes to class and winds up in forced close contact with Kelly/Naomi, stuck-up blonde hotties who want nothing to do with these hayseeds. While I appreciate how much Chanel Naomi wears, Kelly Taylor is one of the best characters from the original 90210 -- so great that she is yes, even in 90-New-10. For that we have to say Advantage: 9021-Old

The AV Nerd: The overlap isn't perfect, but I was struck that both series have a slightly hyper nerdy guy who's constantly behind the lens of a video camera. And who they named Navid. Hmm, that's one letter off from David. Coincidence? I think not. Also, since they'd never have an actual nerdy girl character on these new shows, Navid seems to have incorporated a lot of the traits they gave to Andrea, which is kind of just weird. That said, Navid is the same age as the other characters and has a dad who produces pornography -- making him probably a bit higher in the high school hierarchy than the son of an orthodontist, no? At the same time though, I love me some Brian Austin Green -- from "Squash It" to "Precious To Me" (an unbelievably horrible song in the proud tradition of "Please Don't Go Girl"), I've got to give it to David. Advantage: 9021-Old

The Welcoming Committee: Yes, two new students = such a big deal it must be broadcast to the entire student body. Um, wha? Anyway. Brandon goes on the (pre-David and Donna DJing) radio station; Annie has an embarrassing flash animation of her posted on a "blog." I say "blog" in quotes because wtf blog have you ever seen that looks like this? Or webcast, or podcast, or anything? I'm sure it's supposed to look like a stylish Clockwork Orange reference, but it looks like those Max Factor ads with Carmen Electra. I love also how it needs no browser. The only realistic thing about this "blog" is the poor punctuation ("visitor's"). I wish I felt like it were intentional. And besides, I always thought it was cool how the radio station was in a little glass booth that looked out on the hallway. Advantage: 9021-Old

The Clothes: You know clothes are a big part of it! Annie and Dixon's dad even makes a reference to Kelly's polka dot leggings in the new show. Indeed -- the polka dot bike shorts look straight out of American Apparel, and colored denim and vests are back in. And obviously, a little Chanel purse never went out of style. On the other hand: High waists, tapered legs, and belts, belts, belts... not so much. I'm not so much for the corset-style tops, but you know I love the new girls' statement bags, short-shorts, and miniskirts. Will these outfits look just as dated in ten years? Let's just say I don't think I would have found layered leggings cool in 1990. Advantage: 90-New-10

The Too-Sexy Dress: Both Brenda and Annie's parents have a "Welcome to Beverly Hills" moment as they assess their respective daughters in LBDs that they find to be a bit much. Honestly, this was another similarity overkill moment I was kind of surprised by -- but then again, maybe not. Can I also mention here: While it's nice that the kids on the new 90210 actually do look high school age, holy bleep are the girls skinny. In any event, both sets of parents are appalled, but in the new one Jessica Walter, who has to my amazement and delight been cast basically as Lucille Bluth, tells a dirty anecdote about Ricardo Montalban. Advantage: 90-New-10

The Big Party: Both the old and new pilots are actually two episodes smushed together into a quasi-sense-making combo, and in both the climax of the first hour is a really big party. In the original, it's a back-to-school party thrown by a poor-little-rich-girl type character who we never see after the pilot; in the new one, it's Naomi's "not-so-sweet sixteen" party. The former shows that it is wild and crazy by having fully-clothed people jump into the pool; the latter shows where the budget for the ludicrously sparsely attended white party in the season premiere of Gossip Girl went, with crazy lighting and decor. However, the old party has Steve wearing a blazer and shorts. Ugh, I keep going back and forth on this one so it's Advantage: Yes, another tie.

The Big Date: Both Brenda and Annie get a taste of the bright lights and big city as they go on dates that have people panicking that they are in over their heads. Brenda gets involved in an actually fairly boring plot arc where she pretends to be in college after meeting an older guy; Annie uses her aw-shucks good looks and spastic stumbling to immediately woo a dude with a private jet who whisks her away to San Francisco for dinner. Now I've only been there once, but I totally don't remember there being palm trees in SF. Nonetheless... Advantage: 90-New-10

The final verdict? It seems we have a tie on our hands. I didn't even go into the stuff no one cares about, like the parents (in the new one they get an illegitimate child plot going right away with the dad, and it's just like DON'TCARE, DON'TCARE, get back to the kids). Similarly, the original's pilot includes implied teacher romance stuff that never goes anywhere. The stuff I do care about? Well, in spite of having never been to a high school anything game, I do love high school sports montages, and this one got bonus points for being lacrosse.

Also -- how I didn't manage to mention this earlier, I don't know -- they actually make David and Kelly's half-sister Erin a character! Yes, her hair has gone from white blonde to black, but whatever. She survived getting lost when David fell asleep on a park bench after coming down from all the speed he had to do to stay up to do his radio show and nearly drowning in the bathtub when Kelly and Colin were doing coke in the next room. As far as I'm concerned, she can do whatever she wants. (Also, in spite of her appearance on her "blog," I liked her clothes the best of anyone's on the show.) ALSO: THIS JUST IN: Even though I noticed at the time that she had a Spanish/Jewish hyphenated last name, I totally did not put together (thanks BB) that the girl anchoring the news on the new 90210 is Andrea and Jesse's kid!!! This kind of cross-series continuity makes my day.

Likewise, the whole Jessica Walter Arrested Development thing is gonna totally keep me going till the movie comes out! Lucille was my favorite character in that, and could potentially become my favorite character in this. On the whole, I've got to say, I'm impressed: this seemed like a pretty bad idea, but it was at least as watchable as the original. The real question is, will it ever reach the heights of "Donna Martin graduates!" or the greatest episode of all time -- the one where David and the random fat guy host a "rave", a fire breaks out, and Kelly and her lesbian stalker are trapped in the basement screening room. Ah, the good old days.